Bothered

Two my closest friends have been ignoring me for a little over 2 weeks now in obvious ways. Both already finished finals a while ago. I'm not stupid, I get the message.

Why is it that when you need really your friends, they ditch you?


Were they ever really your friends?


Do they really care,

or was it all just talk?


They probably look down on me because I got pregnant. Ok. But they also know that even though I could have, I didnt go sleeping around all the time. I hadn't done anything to any extent with anyone since my last boyfriend years ago, which was also a very long term relationship. When I got pregnant I hadn't planned on doing anything with anyone. I was in Med school in a cut throat program, stressed, exhausted, and hadn't even been dating since August. You do the math. It just gets to me that in particular, a friend that said he would always be there for me, a best friend that I've had for 6 years, is gone. Suddenly, now, it's "Sorry Lulu, I can't talk." ...unless he needs something. Way to keep your word.

So Funny

Yes Yes I know I shouldn't be up this late. I slept a bit but then I woke up and just can't fall back asleep. I'm craving a cinnamon roll, badly. And it's all I can think about!

Anyways, this is so funny. A friend sent it to me.

11 Weeks 2 Days

Apparently I have an incompetent cervix. No really...that's what they called it. It took a specialist to figure it out. I saw the doctor today and she sewed my cervix closed and said she'll take the stitches out when I'm 37 weeks. I have to have check ups more often and watch for pre term labor, but it looks good right now.

It HURT when she did it, like both my legs were shaking and I was hyperventilating because it hurt so bad, but I did it :] It makes me sort of scared to give birth but now I also know that I can handle a lot more pain than I thought I could.

What else is new..I'm at home in LA now. Tomorrow I plan on making cookies or cake. And last night my Mom and I watched Twilight. She loved it. The deleted scenes on the dvd are cool. I highly recommend watching them.

I'm not sure what we're doing about my finals just yet. All of my professors are being really understanding and said not to worry about it until everything with my and the baby's health was sorted out. I'll start on that tomorrow I guess. Emailing and I need to scan and send copies of my appointment receipt from today so they know it was legit.

I've been thinking of baby names. I like the name Ella so far, but's so hard to choose!!
My Dad is thinking of names every 5 seconds. It's really cute. He's a proud Grandpa bird.

Oh..I never mentioned the gender on here! I had to do genetic testing and she is entirely healthy, and also..a she! I'm really excited. I would have loved her even if she was a hyena but I had wanted a girl the most. Shhh! ;)

Ordered To Rest

Due to bleeding I'm on pelvic rest for a couple of days. I wasn't exactly sure what that was so I asked and the answer I got was "no sex, no douching, no shoving anything up there."

lol...

Before You Judge Me, Please Read

Ever since I can remember, I was told by my doctor that I would not be able to have children, ever. I took that as a green flag and had my own fun when I felt like it. I had a steady boyfriend for several years. Nothing happened for 4 years, 5 years... As a result I no longer even viewed sex as something other than physical pleasure and emotional connection. But really, either or. Definitely not something you must do to create a child. Well, low and behold, 10 weeks ago I had sex and somehow, very luckily or unluckily...however you want to look at it, got pregnant. The Father and I are not in a relationship nor have we ever been. It was simply for physical pleasure, which I think almost makes the entire situation less messy and easier. I don't expect him to jump in and marry me. He says he's not ready to be a Dad but will help me and the child with whatever is needed. Maybe it's me trying to make light of things, but I am OK with that. I think a father figure is a father figure no matter the age, and a father that wants to be a father is better than one that doesn't. For that reason, I plan on having my own father be the father figure in my child's life. As I have not told my parents yet, I don't know his reaction yet, but I'm hoping he will be thrilled. I don't want my child to have it's real father and know and feel that he never wanted to BE his father.

I'm trying to wait a few more weeks before I tell my parents as I feel I should be there in person to tell them. I am across the country in school right now and will be going home for the summer. I don't feel that it's fair or right to tell them on the phone. They will not be expecting this by any means, and will be as shocked as I was if not more.

Several weeks ago I started having weird symptoms and I was sure I had the flu, or was dying, obviously, when it didn't go away after 2 weeks. I had morning sickness that lasted all day and was dizzy. Got heartburn. Chills. And then missed my period. Being in Med school you know I'm too proud to actually go to the doctor so I was racking my brain trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Then my skin got really nice and ..literally..glowy. I was doing my makeup and thinking how great it was that my skin was looking so beautiful, and then I put all of it together all of a sudden. I was thinking "nooo" in my head, that's just not possible, but I went and got pregnancy tests anyways. I took 3 that came out positive, freaked out, cried for a couple hours, didn't sleep, and then went to the doctor the next day. He confirmed it and ran a bunch of tests, one of which was a genetic test because of my medical history. I don't feel comfortable going into all of that and what it is whatever. From that particular test I was notified that the baby is entirely healthy in every aspect, which is WONDERFUL!

I have never wavered, not for one second, that I will keep the baby. And anyone that wants to try and convince me otherwise can just go to hell. Taking another human being's LIFE is never, not ever, an option. I know a lot of people will give me a hard time about being pregnant this young and being single in the process, as I have already had people saying things, and you're welcome to your opion, but also understand that I have a plan. I'm not sure exactly what the plan is yet, but I will make it happen. I will figure things out. I WILL manage to finish med school, I will give my child the love and support it needs, I won't live in a trailor and have 50 tattoos, and I'm not an idiot.

So I've Made A Little Blog Guys

I hope it's worth reading, or at least makes you laugh, maybe.
I'm up early. My rotation at the ER starts soon. I sort of dread ER days. I see a lot but I usually come home depressed because usually at least one person has died. I hope no one dies in our ER today. I hope God protects them and comforts the families that will be there today.

So I've just realized, people that don't know me might end up reading this, if google says I'm cool enough. I've put a little bio up top about me, but I should also mention that I am 10 weeks pregnant. Its all I can think about and you'll probably be hearing a lot about it. I hope maybe writing about my experience on here can help others like me.

Lastly, there is a damn mocking bird outside my window that has been chirping all night. It's still chirping..